Wondering, “Why Do I Self-Sabotage My Relationships?” – Expert Answers

“I sabotaged my relationship and remorse it.” “Why do I self-sabotage my relationships?” These ideas typically run by means of the minds of people that wrestle with relationships or tend to push folks away. There could be a number of explanation why you self-sabotage your relationships however earlier than we get to that, let’s attempt to perceive what self-sabotage precisely means.

Self-sabotage is a habits or thought sample that makes you’re feeling trapped or holds you again from doing what you wish to do, whether or not it’s committing to a relationship or attaining your targets. You are inclined to doubt your skills or, perhaps, you’re afraid of criticism or ruining the connection your self, which is why you select to stroll away earlier than issues worsen or don’t go as per your comfort.

We spoke to psychologist Nandita Rambhia (MSc, Psychology), who makes a speciality of CBT, REBT and {couples} counseling, that can assist you perceive and take care of your “why do I self-sabotage my relationships” dilemma. She spoke to us about why folks develop a sample of sabotaging a relationship subconsciously, the connection between nervousness and self-sabotaging relationships, and methods to finish the cycle.

Professional Solutions – Why Do You Self-Sabotage Your Relationships

“Self-sabotaging is a habits the place an individual does one thing or performs an motion that isn’t conducive to them. If both associate is self-sabotaging, it signifies that they aren’t constructive concerning the relationship. Due to this fact, they are saying or do issues that negatively influence the connection. They have an inclination to behave in ways in which do not need a basic base to it like avoiding or criticizing their companions or denial of intercourse,” explains Nandita.

Why do I maintain self-sabotaging relationships? In case you’re continuously asking your self this query, know that you simply aren’t alone, my buddy. Many wrestle with sabotaging behaviors and there could be a number of causes behind such a sample. A examine printed within the Journal of Couple & Relationship Remedy acknowledged 5 explanation why folks sabotage their romantic relationships – low vanity, worry, belief points, unrealistic expectations and lack of relationship expertise prompted because of inexperience and immaturity.

Think about this. You’ve been relationship somebody for some time and every little thing goes nice. However simply when the connection begins getting severe, all of the happiness all of the sudden goes away. You cease replying to your associate’s messages, discover faults in them, keep away from intercourse, cancel dates, don’t return calls, and choose pointless fights with them. Ultimately, you develop aside and the connection involves an finish.

If you end up with the ability to relate to this, know that you’re sabotaging a relationship subconsciously. Alternatively, if you happen to discover such habits patterns in your associate, know that these are indicators she is sabotaging the connection or he struggles with self-sabotaging tendencies. Learn by means of the under factors to know why you are inclined to self-sabotage your relationship (or your associate does).

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1. Why do I self-sabotage my relationship? Childhood trauma

Folks type the earliest relationships of their childhood with their dad and mom and caregivers. These relationships are inclined to have an effect on all the opposite relationships they type all through life. If these major, formative relationships aren’t healthful and nurturing, an individual might develop poisonous habits patterns to deal with their unmet emotional wants, and these patterns are arduous to interrupt. Such folks develop an insecure attachment model the place they really feel compelled to repeat destructive behaviors as a result of it’s acquainted territory.

For instance, if you happen to had a mum or dad who would get offended or abuse you everytime you tried to have a dialog with them or put your level throughout, you most likely by no means received an opportunity to talk for your self for worry of how they could react. Ultimately, you start to stay silent to defend your self in opposition to that anger and abuse. This manifests right into a habits sample later in life the place you may discover it troublesome or subsequent to not possible to face up for your self since you worry how the opposite aspect may react.

Says Nandita, “Self-sabotaging behaviors manifest from particular person personalities which might be formed within the early years. An individual might be carrying loads of unattended emotional trauma from their childhood, which makes them self-sabotage their future relationships.” Childhood trauma or an insecure or anxious attachment model typically results in worry of rejection and intimacy, which finally makes you self-sabotage your relationship.

You may additionally worry dedication since you really feel it would snatch away your freedom and independence. You may need worry of intimacy since you really feel the folks you’re near may harm you someday. In brief, the attachment model you develop in your childhood dictates the best way you take care of your relationships in life.

2. Damage from previous relationship experiences

“Why am I self-sabotaging a superb relationship?” “I sabotaged my relationship and remorse it.” In case your thoughts is affected by such ideas, it’s attainable that you’re sabotaging a relationship out of worry of getting harm once more. Your destructive experiences with romantic relationships up to now is likely to be one of many causes you’re sabotaging your present one, in response to Nandita.

In case you have been cheated on, lied to or abused by earlier companions, you may need issue trusting, getting intimate or speaking successfully in your present relationship. In case your earlier associate didn’t care about your emotions or opinions, tried to control you or abused you emotionally or bodily, you may end up unable to advocate to your wants earlier than your present associate, resulting in you sabotaging a relationship subconsciously.

3. Concern of failure or abandonment

“Why do I self-sabotage my relationship?” Nicely, you may additionally be sabotaging a relationship out of worry of failure or abandonment. Generally, eager to keep away from failure or being afraid of failing at a sure job could make you cease attempting or self-sabotage your efforts. Or perhaps you’re too scared that the happiness gained’t final, which is why you start to push love away so that you don’t get harm or face the implications.

You is likely to be sabotaging a relationship subconsciously as a result of the strain of not eager to fail is so nice that it makes you wish to stop quite than learn how issues pan out – the logic being you possibly can’t fail if you happen to don’t attempt. Due to this fact, your thoughts robotically comes up with excuses to self-sabotage your relationship. Another excuse might be not wanting to indicate your weak aspect to your associate since you worry they are going to depart you at your worst.

Take into account this as an example. Your present relationship goes completely properly. Your associate is superb and also you’re happier than you’ve ever been earlier than. Abruptly, this worry of “that is too good to be true” or “it’s solely a matter of time earlier than one thing dangerous occurs” engulfs you and also you begin to distance your self out of your associate resulting in arguments and, finally, a breakup. You don’t wish to face the implications so that you shut your self off emotionally.

Nandita explains, “Generally, an individual is afraid of how or what the connection may grow to be sooner or later. This apprehension concerning the future results in relationship nervousness, which finally causes them to behave in self-sabotaging methods.” You worry that the individuals who you like probably the most will depart you whenever you’re most weak. You worry abandonment. You may additionally worry a lack of identification or the flexibility to resolve what’s finest for you if you happen to get too concerned emotionally. Due to this fact, you self-sabotage your relationship.

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4. Shallowness points

One other reply to your “why do I maintain self-sabotaging relationships” or “I sabotaged my relationship and remorse it” quandary might be low vanity, self-worth, and confidence points, in response to Nandita. “You most likely underestimate your self quite a bit or consider that you simply aren’t worthy of somebody’s love and affection. You most likely really feel your associate is in a relationship with you out of pity. This might be because of previous failed relationships, belief points, previous emotional or psychological trauma or being betrayed by earlier companions,” she says.

Statements like “Why do you like me? I’m not whilst handsome as you”, “Why are you with me? I’m not as good or profitable as you” or “You’re in a relationship with me out of pity” point out low vanity. In case you discover your girlfriend or boyfriend making such statements, know that these are indicators she is sabotaging the connection because of self-worth points or his self-sabotaging tendencies are a manifestation of him being a person with low vanity.

No associate likes to listen to that they’re relationship somebody who considers himself or herself nugatory or not ok. They’ll continuously reassure you that they love you for who you’re, that you simply’re sufficient for them and that you simply don’t want to vary your self. However, if their fixed reassurance additionally doesn’t work and also you proceed to speak about your self in self-deprecating sentences, they could quit and finally finish the connection.

5. “Why do I self-sabotage my relationship?” Unrealistic expectations

“Why am I self-sabotaging a superb relationship?” chances are you’ll ask. Nicely, anticipating method an excessive amount of out of your associate might be a purpose. Whereas it’s regular to have a sure set of expectations out of your associate, setting the bar unrealistically excessive or anticipating grand romantic gestures at each step of the best way will negatively influence the connection.

In case you’re continuously upset together with your associate for not assembly your expectations, then there’s an issue. In case you’re not speaking your points with them, then that’s an indication of the issue getting worse. Studying to handle expectations in a relationship is necessary. In case you aren’t speaking to your associate about your issues with them and the connection, it’s an indication that you simply don’t contemplate them worthy sufficient to be with them.

Self-sabotage often has its roots in childhood trauma and destructive experiences. It’s the consequence of being introduced up by caregivers who have been abusive, negligent, detached or unresponsive. The kid, then, grows up with a destructive notion of self, thereby triggering a deep-rooted sense of not being worthy sufficient.

Nandita says, “Generally, there may not be a particular purpose behind self-sabotaging behaviors. An individual might derive some sort of satisfaction by sabotaging the connection just because they’re commitment-phobic. Another excuse might be that they wish to finish the connection however aren’t capable of face their associate immediately and inform them that it’s not working.”

Over time, they develop poisonous traits that would do loads of injury to themselves and their companions. They are usually uncomfortable or scared of vulnerability and intimacy. They may additionally not be comfy with or reject any sort of appreciation or reward they get from their companions or colleagues. Nonetheless, know that it’s attainable to take care of or change self-sabotaging behaviors.

How Do I Cease Self Sabotaging My Relationship?

It’s of their childhood that individuals type a sure attachment model relying on how they have been handled and introduced up by their dad and mom or caregivers. If belief is damaged at this stage, a sure worry of intimacy units in the place the particular person grows up with the assumption that the individuals who love them are those who will finally or inevitably harm them probably the most. In case your feelings have been harm up to now, they are going to take a toll on the way you view and take care of present relationships.

In such a scenario, sabotaging a relationship comes naturally to them as a result of it’s what they know because it aligns with their perception system. Irrespective of how poisonous such behaviors are, that is the one method they know to behave. However, the excellent news is that such patterns could be damaged. It’s attainable to finish the cycle. Listed below are 5 methods to take care of your tendency to self-sabotage your relationship:

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1. Follow introspection and determine your triggers

Consciousness is step one to shifting towards wholesome behaviors and relationships. Attempt to observe what ideas cross your thoughts when your relationship begins to get problematic or rocky. Are you consciously creating obstacles to keep away from dedication, failure or being weak in entrance of your associate? Perceive if these ideas are linked to previous experiences or childhood trauma. There may be typically a detailed hyperlink between nervousness and self-sabotaging relationships. Ask your self if you happen to worry vulnerability or rejection out of your associate.

Nandita says, “Step one is to bear in mind that you’re self-sabotaging your relationship. Most individuals fail to appreciate that. In case you understand it, the subsequent step is to determine why you accomplish that. It requires intensive counseling to know what a part of their persona is inflicting this and what are the explanations behind this trait. It’s a good suggestion to self-reflect to determine why this habits is manifested in them.”

Self-sabotaging behaviors could be arduous to acknowledge since they’re deeply ingrained into an individual’s system. However recognizing these patterns is step one to altering them. Attempt to determine what triggers such habits in you. Ask your self if you happen to’re sabotaging a relationship subconsciously or consciously. Perceive and acknowledge the habits that make you self-sabotage your relationship.

2. Speak by means of it together with your associate

The significance of communication in a relationship can’t be careworn sufficient. Communication is essential to fixing battle in a relationship. When you’ve realized your triggers and examined your self-sabotaging habits, speak to your associate about them. Be sincere about your fears and struggles and the steps you’re taking to work on them.

You and your associate have to work as a workforce to finish this vicious cycle of self-sabotaging habits. Speak to one another concerning the methods you want to implement to maneuver towards a more healthy habits sample. When you’ve got a associate who tends to self-sabotage, present them some understanding and affection in order that they know you’re with them on this troublesome journey. In case you discover indicators of self-sabotaging habits, level it out to them and collectively work out a technique to change the sample.

3. Search remedy

Nandita recommends that searching for remedy is one of the best strategy to resolve the thriller of “why do I self-sabotage my relationships?”. A therapist may also help course of your emotions. Therapists use totally different methods and remedy workout routines that may enable you join the dots between your previous and current behaviors and provide steerage on how one can handle your triggers and finish the self-sabotaging cycle.

You can additionally attempt couple’s remedy as a result of, on the finish of the day, it’s the accountability of each companions to work on the connection. If you’re caught in an analogous scenario and in search of assist, you possibly can at all times attain out to Bonobology’s panel of licensed and skilled therapists right here.

why am i self sabotaging a good relationship

4. Perceive your attachment model

To determine why you self-sabotage your relationship, you’ll have to introspect and perceive your attachment model. Folks type an attachment model of their childhood and it’s this model that lays the bottom for a way they act and take care of their future relationships. The habits or response of oldsters or caregivers performs a significant position within the progress and growth of a kid, particularly in the best way they see themselves and others.

In case you’re asking your self, “Why am I self-sabotaging a superb relationship?” or “Am I sabotaging a relationship out of worry?”, it’s an indication that you’ll want to look again at your attachment model. Those that confronted abandonment, indifference, rejection, trauma or baby abuse by their dad and mom or caregivers are inclined to develop an insecure or avoidant attachment model. They’ve bother trusting folks or being weak in entrance of them.

Nandita explains, “Childhood trauma and strained relationships between dad and mom play a significant position. It is determined by the persona of the kid and the way that exact trauma has affected them. In the event that they’ve grown up seeing a strained relationship between their dad and mom, they have an inclination to keep away from getting right into a dedicated relationship as a result of they’ve seen an excessive amount of negativity round them. They refuse to consider that romantic relationships can have a constructive end result.”

Attachment kinds have a significant influence on all of the relationships you type in life. It may well carry out the worst in you within the type of jealousy, anger, fixed reassurance, dedication points, paranoia, stonewalling, and extra – all of which trigger you to self-sabotage your relationship. However know that these behaviors aren’t everlasting. You possibly can work in your attachment model and construct a wholesome relationship together with your associate.

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5. Follow self-care

When you’ve discovered the reply to your “why do I maintain self-sabotaging relationships” dilemma, attempt to not beat your self up over it. Be variety to your self. Follow compassion and self-care. You won’t be able to vary your poisonous habits sample or construct a wholesome relationship together with your associate if you don’t observe self-love.

Being compassionate towards your self is important in a scenario the place you is likely to be blaming your self for having harm your associate. The belief may make you’re feeling responsible however know that it comes from a spot of deep-rooted worry. It’s apparent that you simply needed to guard your self however the truth that you notice that your method of doing it isn’t wholesome is a step ahead in the fitting course.

Self-sabotaging behaviors can take an enormous toll in your psychological well being if not handled on the proper time. It may well negatively influence your day by day life and your targets. Among the commonest results embrace procrastination, substance abuse, alcohol habit and self-harm. You may not bear in mind that you’re sabotaging your self and your relationship however behavioral remedy may also help in understanding and disengaging from ingrained thought patterns.

Behaviors like dishonest, mendacity, paranoia, gaslighting, jealousy, and anger could cause injury to you in addition to your associate, which is why you will need to determine your triggers and attachment model and search assist if you happen to want the identical. Training self-care and compassion, determining methods to love your self, and enhance poisonous behaviors may also help finish the cycle. Good luck!


1. What’s the root reason behind self-sabotage?

Self-sabotage often stems from childhood trauma and the connection you share together with your major caregivers. Different causes embrace low vanity, self-deprecating speak and a common destructive notion of oneself.

2. Is self-sabotage a psychological sickness?

Self-sabotaging behaviors have been linked to Borderline Persona Dysfunction in those that are inclined to develop such poisonous patterns. It’s thought of to be a trauma response and may have an enormous influence in your psychological well being.

3. Can I finish the cycle of self-sabotaging my relationships?

Self-sabotaging behaviors are attainable to repair with the assistance of some introspection and remedy. You’ll actually have to try your self and your habits patterns, perceive the triggers and consciously work towards altering them. Search the assistance of knowledgeable for higher steerage.

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