I’m a nice person but nobody likes me

I’m a pleasant man, I actually am.

I care about different folks, serving to them and upholding my very own compassionate moral code.

I don’t steal, lie or hurt others. I’m well mannered and thoughtful each time doable.

However this hasn’t led me to the happiness I imagined. As an alternative, my niceness has left me lonely and disenchanted. I’m single, I’ve few shut mates and even my circle of relatives has admitted they don’t “get it” about why I’m not doing higher in life.

It feels like an entire exaggeration however it’s true: I’m a pleasant individual however no one likes me!

I wish to rewind the tape and discover out what led me right here, in addition to what I can do to seek out my path to a greater method to strategy my life and relationships.

The issue

What’s improper with being good? I like when persons are good to me, and the Golden Rule says to deal with others how we wish to be handled, proper?

I believe this has some validity. The issue is that being too good will get you nowhere in life and may really change into a method to be passive-aggressive.

Taking a magnifying glass to my life and my decisions, I can now see how I’ve unconsciously given far too many individuals permission to stroll throughout me.

By forcing myself to be so good and being so dreadfully afraid of being disliked, I’ve written a clean verify to everybody round me. Some have been thoughtful and handled me properly. Others have handled me like trash. All have misplaced respect for me as a result of I positioned the middle of my energy exterior of myself.

Being too good is a lure and it gained’t convey you something good.





The niceness lure

I noticed by means of a failed relationship that lots of my “niceness” issues stem from internalized guilt over my mother and father divorce once I was youthful.

Now I’m not going to take a seat right here and inform you a sob story or play the sufferer, though I may.

The purpose right here is to find the reality, nonetheless. And I actually assume that niceness turned a sort of protect for me and a masks I may put on to cover the disappointment and anger I felt beneath.

By pleasing others and presenting a flawless exterior, I used to be in a position to even misinform myself. That’s the actually unhappy half.

If I gained’t even be trustworthy with myself, how can I be with others?

If the general public persona I put forth is principally a lie, then is it any shock that each guys and ladies are a bit delay with me?

The reality is that folks reply to authenticity, and so they can sense it from a mile off.

Clearly, there are some people who find themselves naturally kinder and gentler than others, however folks love them!

So what’s the distinction between them and also you?

Most often, it’s that you simply’re utilizing the niceness as a masks, moderately than an genuine expression of your inside self.

Let me be frank. As Dr. Gabor Maté explains on this video, being too good will actually kill you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RtswQazDSno

I’ve been misplaced

Assessing why I’m a pleasant individual however no one likes me hasn’t been simple.

I’ve solely actually gotten into it as soon as I used to be backed in a nook with nowhere else to go and simply wanted to know the reply for my very own sanity.

I instantly had a self-righteous voice in my head demanding me to cease pursuing this query: They don’t such as you ‘trigger they don’t get it…

They don’t such as you as a result of they’re assholes…That’s what the voice advised me. Sufferer narrative tales, about how my disappointment in others was totally justified.

I continued and pressed deeper. What I discovered is that this was by no means actually about how others are reacting to me or not, however about how I’ve been disrespecting myself.

I’ve been misplaced. And I don’t imply that in a non secular sense: I imply actually misplaced.

Someplace alongside the road I gave up on the thought of getting a function and mission for my life and made being “good” the cornerstone of my existence.

Folks acquired sorely uninterested in it. That is why I’m now redoubling my efforts to seek out my function.

So:

What would you say if I requested you what your function is?

It’s not simple to reply!

Previously, I’ve attended tremendous costly retreats with gurus and coaches who advised me to visualise the proper future and picture a glowing gentle surrounding me.

I did simply that. For hours. Days even.

I spent days visualizing my good future and attempting to manifest it, however I simply ended up disillusioned and late to pay my payments.

Let’s be actual right here:

Discovering your function isn’t nearly being constructive, however it’s essential.

So how can we do it?

Ideapod co-founder Justin Brown’s has a really insightful video a few bizarre new method to discover your function that’s not visualization or constructive considering.

Justin was hooked on the self-help trade and New Age gurus identical to me. They bought him on ineffective visualization and constructive considering methods.

4 years in the past, he traveled to Brazil to satisfy the famend shaman Rudá Iandê, for a unique perspective.

Rudá taught him a life-changing new method to discover your function and use it to rework your life.

I can truthfully say that this new manner of discovering success by discovering your function really helped me to recover from my compulsion to be a pleasant man and please others.

I now have a a lot firmer grasp on who I’m and what my function is aside from simply making others completely satisfied or being good to them.

Watch the free video right here.

Take care of your self

Studying to be much less good will not be about swearing at others or turning into impolite and dismissive. Fairly the alternative.

It’s about studying to care extra for your self and put your locus of consideration again on your self.

Caring for your self means simply that: listening to your self in each manner.

Make your bodily well being a precedence and get train whereas consuming properly.

Make your psychological well being high significance as properly, by ensuring that you simply take note of what makes you are feeling empowered or disempowered.

Watch out to assist your self first earlier than serving to others.

You possibly can’t at all times be the one who places everybody else first. Typically you must come first.

Be alert

It might be good if we lived in a world the place you would roughly belief everybody, however we’re not.

That’s one of many large issues with being an excessively good individual: folks benefit from you. This may are available in many alternative varieties, however the most typical ways in which folks exploit you’re the following:

• Financially profiting from your niceness to ask for handouts, loans, short-term borrowing or different methods to hit you up for money
• Romantically profiting from you or attempting to seduce you so as to get cash, promotions or favors
• Profiting from niceness to fraudulently ask you for cash for a charitable trigger that doesn’t exist
• Utilizing you as a passive listener to vent and whine about their issues 24/
• Passing off additional duties and obligations on you by deceptive you about your roles or guilting you.

Many different types of gaslighting and exploitation.

Keep away from friendzoning

Friendzoning is just like the curse of the good man or woman that follows us all over the place.

I actually have confronted it many occasions.

An enormous a part of discovering my function and shifting on with my life in a strong manner has been leaving friendzoning behind.

I’ve come to see that I accepted different folks framing my actuality and phrases, as a substitute of being the one to set them.

In different phrases, my mind set was so passive that I assumed it was at all times someone else who would determine in the event that they appreciated me or noticed me as greater than a pal.

That’s now flipped round: I’m the decider, not the one being determined about.

In fact there are two sides to each equation, so within the case {that a} woman merely doesn’t see me as greater than a pal I make it clear that this isn’t what I’m searching for.

I’ve misplaced mates over that, for certain.

However the brand new me is keen to lose mates so as to be trustworthy.

If I wish to be “simply mates” I’ll say it; if I wish to be extra I’ll say that too.

Let the chips fall the place they could. Don’t ever catch your self being a folks pleaser to such an extent that you simply’re two years right into a friendzoned friendship and serving to your pal pick her wedding ceremony gown.

Demand your rights

Being much less good is about caring for your self and specializing in discovering your personal distinctive mission in life.

It’s about being trustworthy with others and with your self.

Now I perceive why I’m a pleasant individual and no one appreciated me: as a result of I used to be too obsessive about making them like me and never obsessed sufficient with making me like myself.

I’ve flipped the script now and am completely satisfied to say I’m properly on my method to being a fairly good man who stands up for himself much more and can be keen to be disliked.