13 the explanation why you may’t cease occupied with your ex (and the way to cease)

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Some exes are simply laborious to overlook.

You probably have that one ex who retains popping in your head and visiting your desires even when it’s been ages because you’ve damaged up, you would possibly take it as an indication that they’re the one for you.

Whereas that’s potential, it’s extremely unlikely you’re haunted by them for different causes.

On this article, I provides you with 13 psychology-backed the explanation why you may’t cease occupied with your ex and what you are able to do about it.

1) Younger love is oftentimes sweeter

After we’re youthful, all the pieces is simply extra magical.

We’re harmless and worry-free. Effectively, not fully. We nonetheless cared about our homework and what to put on to the promenade. However we had no payments to pay, profession ladders to climb, repute to uphold, and well being points to fret about.

Due to this, we have been in a position to really take pleasure in love and relationships, regardless of the dearth of assets and strict supervision of our mother and father. In truth, they’re additionally sweeter due to it. We borrowed a number of {dollars} from our associates simply to have burgers and milkshakes with our beloved.

We saved up a month’s allowance simply to provide them a present.

Grownup love is, after all, nonetheless great, however it simply doesn’t have that child-like innocence anymore. Possibly you miss your ex since you lengthy for the nice ole days and the pureness of your love.

2) Nostalgia makes us bear in mind the good things

Do you discover that when somebody dies, you may’t assist however bear in mind good issues about them even in the event you thought that they have been unbearable once they have been nonetheless round?

That’s as a result of the thoughts is aware of the way to cope by primarily remembering the nice issues.

Your ex was absolutely terrible in some methods—it’s most likely the explanation you broke up—however now that you simply’re not butting heads on a regular basis, you retain recalling all of your good instances collectively.

Even issues that when drove you up the wall would possibly grow to be endearing, given time!

3) Your assembly was magical

We pay significance to tales, particularly on the subject of love.

Possibly you met when you have been backpacking within the Himalayas and had a magical second the place certainly one of you saved the opposite, and that made a powerful impression on you. To your thoughts, this makes them extra particular than they are surely.

In case your greatest good friend met the love of their life on Tinder, your magical relationship would additionally thrive proper?

Sadly, that’s not the case. Simply because folks met in seemingly mundane conditions doesn’t imply they’ll’t discover magic in one another. Likewise, simply because your first assembly was cute and magical doesn’t assure that you simply’ll last more than three months.

A grand, magical first assembly would nonetheless make a powerful impression. You’d pine for that magical second, and would possibly even end up unable to bear the considered discovering love in ‘odd’ methods.

4) They’re your first in lots of issues

They are saying “past love by no means dies” and whereas it’s fairly tacky, there’s some fact to it.

Your ex was most likely the one who launched you to many issues—they may very well be your first kiss, first dance, first cuddles with the alternative intercourse.

They might have additionally launched you to many thrilling issues like mountaineering, faucet dancing, and different issues you could’t overlook. And each time you do this stuff, you simply can’t assist however be reminded of them.

If you go mountaineering, you would possibly bear in mind the primary time you scaled a mountain collectively. If you kiss another person for the primary time, you would possibly end up pondering of the best way your ex kissed you.

5) You invested quite a bit in them

One potential cause that an ex is difficult to overlook is that we invested quite a bit in them.

We’re not speaking about cash, though that’s potential too. We’re speaking about different issues like placing in loads of effort in constructing a relationship, imagining a future collectively, touring to the opposite aspect of the world simply to be with them.

And as The Little Prince mentioned, “It’s the time you spent in your rose that makes your rose so necessary…You grow to be accountable eternally for what you’ve tamed.”

Your ex most likely turned extra precious to you since you sacrificed for them and the connection greater than with anybody you’ve ever been with.

6) Your story feels unfinished

It’s more durable to overlook somebody when the explanation to your break-up is lame or isn’t so clear.

They’d ask you “However why did you break up? You’re each nonetheless in love!”

And also you rack your mind out pondering of a cause however can’t discover something that’s affordable—no dishonest, no huge fights. It most likely simply pale.

Our brains are used to clear endings and clear beginnings. When one thing feels “unfinished” in our heads, we regularly consider it as a really lengthy story that may have a contented ending sometime—just about just like the Earlier than Sundown trilogy.

Even in the event you’re in a loving relationship, and even in the event you aren’t even so in love together with your ex, your thoughts will let you know that it’s a narrative that ought to proceed.

7) You need present them how a lot you’ve modified

Let’s say you broke up as a result of your ex thinks you’re irresponsible and also you continually jumped from one job to a different.

It was such an enormous blow to your ego that you simply modified who you might be simply to show to them that you simply’re not that unhealthy—no, that you simply’re really superior.

Even when in actuality you actually aren’t in love with this ex anymore, your thoughts tips you into pondering that you’re. However what you actually need is validation that you simply’re an okay particular person.

You is perhaps making an attempt to please them as a result of that’s the sort of love that’s acquainted to you as a result of your mother and father additionally handled you want trash.

The second they acknowledge that you simply’re superior, this eager for your ex would possibly go away for good.

8) You’re sad together with your present relationship

In case you’re in a relationship proper now and also you’re sad, it’s solely pure that you simply preserve occupied with your ex. You would possibly even dream of your ex usually too.

You would possibly find yourself occupied with how your ex was extra attentive, or how they have been significantly better in mattress.

Don’t take this as an indication that your ex is the one for you, take it as an indication that it’s time you re-evaluate your present relationship.

What do you bear in mind most about your ex? What traits did they’ve that you simply want your present SO has? Take the time to essentially replicate. Use your ex as a information, not as a literal answer to your unhappiness.

As a result of likelihood is, in the event you have been to get again collectively together with your ex, you’re prone to break up once more.

9) You just like the model of you while you’re collectively

As talked about earlier, you have been most likely younger and carefree while you have been nonetheless collectively.

Possibly you have been additionally extra inventive, extra humorous, extra attention-grabbing, and extra loving.

You might need sooner or later thought that you simply have been that manner since you have been collectively together with your ex.

However whereas it’s potential that your ex was the one who inspired you to grow to be the particular person you as soon as have been, it’s most probably that you’re all this stuff all alongside.

You possibly can all the time give it some thought and grow to be that particular person once more with out them in the event you tried. What issues is that you simply attempt.

10) They’re now residing the life you each used to dream of

If you’re nonetheless collectively, you each had this grand dream of turning into rock stars who journey the world.

If you broke up, you forgot all about it and centered on sensible issues as a substitute—getting good grades, touchdown in firm, shopping for a home with a white fence. Life was okay.

Effectively then, sooner or later you discover out that your ex is now a signed artist and is certainly having concert events everywhere in the world. You’re really glad for them however part of you’d remorse that you simply ended issues.

Whereas it could really feel that you simply nonetheless have emotions to your ex, that isn’t doubtless. You simply see clearly how the probabilities of your life department out and you’ll’t assist however really feel a pang of remorse for not taking the trail of the artist’s life. You see? This isn’t actually about your ex however about you and your life selections.

11) They pushed you to grow to be higher

Your ex was slightly annoying. They all the time suppose you’d turn into somebody nice—that you simply’ll not solely be author, however you’ll be the following Victor Hugo.

Your ex most likely thought the solar shines out of your ass, and nobody has made you are feeling this fashion.

They’re most likely robust on you however it’s the kind that makes you are feeling taken care of. They push you to pursue your desires relentlessly.

Now that you’re precisely how they imagined you to be, you may’t cease occupied with them. It’s not since you really feel pity in direction of them, it’s most likely since you’d do something simply to thank them for having seen the potential in you.

12) You’ve turned them right into a aim

If you broke up, you promised them that you simply’ll be higher and that sooner or later you’ll be collectively once more!

This type of willpower has made you do many unattainable issues—you began a enterprise that turned profitable, you labored in your weight, you’re now somebody everybody needs thus far.

You’re now on the prime of the world, trying down on all of the steps you’ve taken in your manner up. And you’ll’t assist however consider your ex for each second of it.

And that’s since you’ve made your ex your aim. You’re doing all this not for your self, however to carry them again to your aspect.

That is, sadly, fairly harmful. Suppose your ex doesn’t come again, or that they acquired hitched with another person. What then?

You would possibly simply find yourself dropping the need to maintain going while you notice that it has all been in useless. You had grow to be so fixated on the picture of an ideal life you had in your thoughts that when issues don’t go as deliberate you get mad and harm.

You’ve satisfied your self that they’re the one factor lacking in your life.

13) You’re satisfied that they’re irreplaceable

After we’re younger, we consider that it’s simple to discover a connection. However as we get older, we notice that real connections are laborious to search out and construct.

Possibly you had a very sturdy connection to your ex and also you’ve satisfied your self that they’re irreplaceable.

Certain, different folks would possibly make you content too, however you’re so fixated on what your ex did that nothing they do will ever examine.

So you retain on occupied with them, wishing that they have been at your aspect.

The kicker is that your ex most probably isn’t even nearly as good as you had come to think about them to be. It’s such as you’re enjoying a sport of phone with your self. With each retelling, the story adjustments slightly, and small issues grow to be slightly grander. Finally you find yourself with a badly distorted fantasy.

In the identical vein, it’s necessary to needless to say your ex most likely isn’t as irreplaceable as you suppose they’re.


It’s a must to remind your self that they’re not the identical particular person anymore, and neither are you.

What you had was positively particular, however it ended for a cause—and it’s supposed to remain in your previous.

Attempting to reconnect together with your ex with the delusion that they’re nonetheless the identical particular person as earlier than is silly. It’s additionally dangerous. Certain they would be the similar in some features, however they positively have a unique life with totally different units of issues.

Whereas it’s alright to provide it one other try to discover out for your self, I strongly don’t advocate you pursuing your ex in the event you’re presently in a steady and loving relationship, in the event you’re merely going by means of a life disaster, or if you realize that they’re proud of their life.

Simply think about the truth that you eager for your ex won’t really be since you nonetheless need them again in your life. Is it well worth the threat? It’s clearly as much as you. However there’s an opportunity you’ll get your self in a lot deeper hassle, ruining the nice issues that you have already got.


In case you’ve determined that you simply don’t need to go down the trail of pursuing your ex once more, then you definitely’ve already finished half of the work. It’s the confusion that retains us from really transferring on and accepting our life sans our ex.

Listed below are the steps you must do to cease occupied with them:

1) Cease feeding the beast

If you’re devoted to your self moderately than to your ex, unsubscribe to them.

Reduce off communication, cease viewing their tales, and for crying out loud watching their Tiktok movies!

Stop them such as you give up cigarettes or any unhealthy behavior. The primary three days shall be laborious however it is going to get simpler and simpler every day.

And in the event you slip on some days as a result of they contacted you first or somebody you realize posted their photograph, don’t really feel discouraged. Maintain at it. Someday, they gained’t even enter your thoughts anymore. Or in the event that they do, you gained’t ever consider them romantically.

2) Search for a love that doesn’t really feel such as you’re settling

In case you’re in love with somebody who could make you are feeling like 1,000,000 bucks, you most likely gained’t be capable of consider your ex.

Go search for that sort of love. Don’t keep in a relationship since you’ve invested quite a bit in it, or as a result of it’s the mature factor to do. Keep since you really feel that is the sort of love and relationship you need to have for the remainder of your life.

In any other case, you’d be haunted by your ex till you’re previous and wrinkly. Don’t permit that to occur to you.

3) Focus in your life and your relationship

Attempt to be current in your life whereas it’s taking place as a substitute of imagining the long run or getting nostalgic of the previous.

What you might have now could be all you’ve acquired. Deal with what now has to supply. In case you’re in a relationship, be really in it. In case you’re nonetheless struggling on the backside of the profession ladder, then work laborious.

And in the event you’re sad with how your life turned out, put all of your vitality into making it higher as a substitute of fixating in your ex.

Take into consideration this: each minute you spend occupied with your ex is taking you away from the time you ought to be spending making your relationship and your life higher.

4) Remind your self of why your relationship didn’t work

They could have been nice, however you shouldn’t lose sight of their flaws as properly.

Possibly they have been the sweetest, however they have been flaky and saved blowing cold and warm. Or perhaps they’re sensible, however in addition they thought they may get away with dishonest on you.

Each time you end up pondering of how good they have been, remind your self of their flaws. Get a pocket book and write them down if wanted.

Belief me—they DO have flaws. Actual ones, like their cruelty or incapacity to simply accept blame… and never simply the lovable ‘flaws’ like them having a messy bedhead each time they get up within the morning.

They’re nonetheless human, regardless of all the pieces.

5) Domesticate a extra carefree way of life

In case you discovered that the explanation you miss your ex was since you primarily miss being younger and free, then it’s time you make some way of life adjustments.

Consider the issues which might be regularly inflicting you nice misery. It might even be your present companion, too. Then it’s time you make some adjustments within the relationship or also have a quick break so you may introspect.

In case you suppose you’re too harassed due to a job you hate, then it’s time to start out updating your LinkedIn profile.

In different phrases, as a substitute of really pursuing your ex, pursue the sensation you had while you’re collectively and apply it to your life proper now.

6) Dream huge desires once more

Make your life so thrilling once more that you simply overlook or cease fixating concerning the issues up to now.

Go make that film, write that novel, begin that enterprise. Attempt to be nice and do nice issues!

That manner, your ex may have little or no house in your thoughts. In truth, it may very well be the explanation you’re occupied with them extra usually—you simply miss the sensation that life was as soon as a giant journey.

Your life has simply began. Don’t look again as a result of it’s ineffective to waste your time on a love story that wasn’t meant to be. As a substitute, live a full life and go after the life you’ve all the time needed.

Someday sooner or later, you’d look again at this second and say, “I virtually went again to my ex however they actually weren’t what I used to be in search of.”

Use this time to work on your self and your ex would grow to be much less and fewer vital to you as time goes by.


Simply because you may’t cease occupied with your ex doesn’t essentially imply that there’s one thing particular about them.

What’s usually the case is that there’s one thing you’re lacking in your present state of affairs, and also you’re utilizing the reminiscence of your ex to “bear in mind” higher instances.

By idealizing your ex like so, nevertheless, you find yourself blinding your self by focusing a lot on what you don’t have. You additionally find yourself overlooking the nice issues that you simply do have.

Getting over your ex won’t be simple, however by knocking your ex down a peg and pondering of them as simply one other human being, you’re serving to your self alongside.


Placing your self first

Hey, Lachlan from Hack Spirit right here.

What’s your primary aim in the meanwhile?

Is it to purchase that automobile you’ve been saving up for?

To lastly begin that side-hustle that’ll hopefully enable you give up your 9-5 sooner or later?

Or to take the leap and eventually ask your companion to maneuver in?

No matter it’s, you’re not going to get there, until you’ve acquired a plan.

And even then…plans fail.

However I didn’t write this to you to be the voice of doom and gloom…

No, I’m scripting this as a result of I need to enable you obtain the objectives you’ve set.

I’ve lately been participating in a workshop known as Life Journal created by trainer and profession coach Jeanette Brown.

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She doesn’t fiddle – this workshop would require effort in your half however that’s the fantastic thing about it – Jeanette has rigorously designed it to place YOU within the driving seat of your life.

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So…suppose again to that necessary aim I requested about firstly of this message.

How a lot would you like it?

Are you keen to place the trouble in to get there?

In that case, try the workshop right here.

In case you do participate, I’d love to listen to how your Life Journey goes!

All one of the best,

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